guide: how to forgive your mom for the times she let her pain manifest into yours
a love letter to daughters of immigrants
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Before You Read
3 min read
Preview
I wrote this guide right after getting into an explosive argument with my mom during the time I moved back home in 2022. I discuss the details of the argument here.
Guilt, especially within the context of my relationship with my mother, can be incredibly debilitating. In a podcast interview with my dear friend, Tesz Millan, I discuss the complex emotions of holding both deep hate and deep love for my parents. But I've come to see that underneath it all, what seems like hate is often just love waiting to be understood.
Step 1: Cry
I know you’ve been taught otherwise growing up, but crying is healing. Our pain is a compass. It’s meant to be felt and dealt with, not swept under the rug and repressed. The body keeps score and when grief doesn’t move, it gets accumulated over time creating more toxins. Crying doesn’t mean you’re weak. If anything, crying is a sign of strength. To feel in this world, is to live. Shed your tears, love.
Step 2: Communicate
We’re often taught that as a child, we are less than. And that any sign of disagreement is disrespect. This is just not true. We deserve to be heard too. Our emotions are worthy of being seen and honored. Ask for what you need — with love — in order to sustain a healthy relationship. I know it’s easier to avoid than it is to communicate and open your heart up to the possibility that things could play out differently from when you were a child. But you’ve done hard things before. I know you can do it again.
Step 3: Create Space
If the wounds feel fresh and you’re still resistant to communicate, find a place of solitude to recollect and return to yourself. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR DOING SO. Often times, we tend to see doing this as selfish. It is not. If we’re unable to pour into people from an overflowing cup, then we are only exhausting ourselves and becoming a detriment to others. Take time to heal with the intention of returning, wiser.
Step 4: Let Go of Fear