interviews with myself: intro
01: moving home, moving out, moving on
There’s a form of Gestalt therapy known as the two chair technique. Interviews with myself is my take on that, but through the art of writing.
I’ve found that its been through intentional question asking that has allowed me to tell my most authentic story. So in this series, I do my best to do that—to ask myself challenging and thought provoking questions about whatever I’m working through, so that I may lead myself out of the dark and back into my heart.
I’ve spent the past few months processing how I’ve been feeling about moving out of my parents’ house and having to take a step back to re-imagine my business. This first interview with myself is centered on gaining more clarity around that.
I hope that through my process, you might be able to see and understand yourself more clearly. And if you find that you do, I encourage you to try this practice out and share what you experienced in the comments section.
Q: When you first started LUNAS, it wasn’t a newsletter, it was a coaching business where you helped people—specifically children of immigrants—meditate, figure out their soul goals, and connect to a deeper sense of self. What changed? Are you still coaching?
A: First off, I have to express that I’ve never been a fan of the term coaching. I think being in an MLM tainted that term for me. (If you know, you know). But since it’s probably the easiest way to describe what it is I did without getting too intricate, I guess we’ll use it.
Yes, in the beginning, LUNAS was a coaching business. After I had taken a trip to the Philippines for the first time as an adult in 2020, I came back incredibly lost and confused about my identity, which catapulted me into a journey of healing. I hired a few mentors, started therapy, and took a few group programs during the pandemic. The teachers I was learning from drastically changed the way I saw my life. I had been meditating for about a year before I ever experienced meditating with a guide in real time. It was a game changer for sure. I was so inspired by everyone I was learning from and amazed by the level of transformation that was taking place; to the point that I could not keep all of what I was learning to myself. So I set out to help other people learn what I was learning. I had no idea what a “calling” was until I suddenly found myself immersed in this one. It was scary, but exciting. I discovered a side of me I never thought I’d meet.
The momentum of that dissipated a few months after moving back home to live with my parents in 2022. The combination of financial struggles and the challenges that came with being back in my childhood home really took a toll on my mental health. I had to pause and take a step back, reassess what I was doing.
During that time, I continued to journal. It was the only practice I had the capacity for. Writing has always been there for me. It’s a great form of free therapy. A friend had also asked me to write her a poem for her wedding, and I rediscovered my love for poetry and writing altogether. I figured if I couldn’t show up to be a coach, the least I could do was share the ways in which I was getting by through words. I figured that could be valuable in some way. So I decided to keep the email list I grew for my business and turn LUNAS into a newsletter.
Writing this newsletter became my way of saying: Hey, I’m a hot mess. I don’t have it nearly figured out, but I don’t have to. I still have something worth sharing. I hope you know that regardless of where you are in your life—whether you’re thriving, sinking, drowning, falling, flying, etc.—you do too. So let’s do this life long healing work, together.
Q: If we looked back at your archives on IG, we’d see that the majority of what you used to post consisted of the work you were doing around rebuilding your relationship with your parents. From what you shared, it appeared that living at home was going really well. But of course, there’s more to everyone’s life than what we see on social media. Can you share a bit more about your mental health struggles and what we didn’t see online?
A: I know, I remember. A high percentage of my posts were centered around my parents. I was re-learning and unlearning a lot at the time—when I had just moved back home—and I was extremely transparent about that journey on IG. Often times, whenever I was going through it, I would treat my story like an open diary—sharing my raw thoughts with little to no edits. I wanted to invite everyone into my process.
When I had announced that I was moving back home and that I was experiencing fear and resistance around it, I discovered just how many people resonated with my story. Either people were moving back home and experiencing that same fear and resistance, already living at home and struggling, or recoiling from the thought of ever having to do such a thing.
I think knowing that there was a community of people who were interested in/benefiting from what I had to share made it easier to be as open as I was. But then it got to the point where it felt like I was getting confused about what was real and what was for show. I was taken aback over that realization. I thought Wow, seriously? Even healing can be performative? It got to the point where it no longer felt authentic. I was also just in the thick of my trauma and couldn’t even gather sentences that made enough sense to share. I no longer had the bandwidth to keep delivering under the circumstances I was in. You can have all the inspiration in the world, but if your system and foundation is weak, that inspiration will only take you so far. Part of me also felt that because I was having such a difficult time navigating my relationship with my parents, that in a way, I was failing at healing. Wild, I know. Writing that sentence alone blows my mind. But sure enough, shame completely took over. And I fell into survival mode.
Q: There was a point in your journey when you referred to your parents as the “best roommates ever.” Do you still feel like that was true?
A: Absolutely. My parents are incredible. As much as I’ve had such a difficult time healing a lot of my sh*t from the past around them, when I’m not fixated on my sad stories of if only ‘x’ then ‘y’ could’ve happened and life would be easier, I can see my parents’ wholeness. We may not have the same views on what “love” is supposed to look like, but I know we all do our best to understand one another.
I referred to them as the “best roommates ever” because alongside meeting myself in a way I never thought I would, I was able to do the same with my parents. I discovered aspects of their personality that I couldn’t see when I was growing up: How my dad, underneath all the stubbornness and rage, had a side of him that lit up every time a Hall & Oates song came on. How my mom, somewhere in between all her need to be perfect and “good,” had this quirky, silly side to her. I got to meet their inner children in more ways than one. That was so special to me.
Q: That’s beautiful. So then, why did you end up leaving after 11 months?
A: See, that’s the tricky thing about “best”—timing will always play a part in how we feel. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t true. It just means that things change.
As the months went by, I found out that I actually struggled with severe OCD. I’ve experienced it since I was a child, but I never connected it to being OCD until last year. I recalled memories from when I was younger of my excessive showering and hand washing—to the point where the skin on my hands would crack. I would recite and perform rituals every time I had an intrusive thought, like someone dying. These are just a few examples that I’m somewhat comfortable naming, but it seriously is such a debilitating and time-stealing disease. If you know anyone in your life that may struggle with OCD, even a little, or even if you don’t, I highly recommend learning more about it.
I was talking to an old coworker about OCD a few months ago and he shared with me how his OCD always flared up every time he was around his parents for too long. I realized the same thing happened with me. I spent the majority of my 20s away from my parents, and during that time, my OCD was manageable. It was still there, but I felt like I had full control over it. Once I moved back home, towards the end, it became almost unbearable. I kept having panic attacks almost every week. It’s something I’m still unpacking, and I’m learning not to rush it. It’s been a lot.
Q: So what’s your living situation like now? How’re you holding up?
A: I’ve been house sitting/dog sitting for my friend’s mom since late December. She goes back and forth from Arizona to California every two months or so. The trade off is free housing. When I’m at the house alone with the dogs, for the most part, I’m good. Whenever she’s home, it can get a bit challenging.
What I’m learning about myself is that I actually have a really difficult time living with people in general. I think it’s because when I’m not in a good place, I become overly conscious about how my heaviness is affecting others. I consider myself a burden and get caught up in the belief that I need to turn off my human emotions in order to be accepted. I cut off parts of myself that I don’t think deserve love, and then I get overwhelmed from holding too much in. I’m sure that has a lot to do with my sensitivity never being welcomed as a child. It always felt unsafe to express however I was truly feeling because whenever I did, I was silenced.
I’m still not in a great place mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, but it’s been better. I’m grateful for the resources that I’ve been provided with.
During this time, I’ve developed such a deep love for dogs. I’m amazed at the type of super power they have. The other day, I was having a breakdown, and Yogi, one of the dogs I've been taking care of—the sweetest chocolate lab!—sat next to me and offered his paw. He gazed into my eyes in a way that I couldn’t help but gaze back. Almost as if to say, it’s going to be okay. A dog’s love is such a great example of what unconditional love feels like. They just love and accept you as you are. They’ve been absolutely healing to be around.
P.S. Watching Everything Everywhere All At Once has been on my watch list since it came out, but because my life for the past year has felt like it’s been everything everywhere all at once, I had not been able to find the time to watch it. After all the awards it received at the Oscars, I knew I had to make it a priority, and I was thrilled to find that Hulu made it available without having to upgrade. I started it last night and finished it this morning and it so painfully and joyfully encapsulated so much of the emotions I’ve been struggling to work through in relation to my mother and just life in general. I’m still processing, but I feel this huge weight has been lifted off of me from just seeing this kind of representation on the screen. A new chapter of healing has been unlocked. What a gift, what a gift, what a gift.
