on my boyfriend-non-boyfriend relationships & why my love life feels anything but stale
answering the question: "are you dating?"
Before You Read
8 min read
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Boyfriend-non-boyfriend.
My friend Andria and I first coined the term in 2017, when we were basically hanging out on a daily to weekly basis.
There’s an old IG post floating around in my archives of us where the caption reads:
“Took me to the Beatles love show, brought me home and introduced me to her parents, put me onto Star Wars and re-watched 4 out of 6 movies with me so far. I’m the most serious relationship @andriakitti has ever been in.”
For 1-2 years, we just clicked. Our friendship was fun and easy. And then life happened, as life does, and our connection faded. Up until I made the decision to rekindle many of my old flames in 2023. Since then, we’ve been closer than ever.
Recently, I sent her an old photo taken a decade ago of a group of our girlfriends at a club. I said, “Even with all the falling outs over the years, it’s kinda crazy how mostly everyone is still friends.”
As I reminisced and told her how much she meant to me still, that old phrase came up again: boyfriend-non-boyfriend.
A friend had recently asked me, “How’s your dating life?”
It took me a while to answer.
I’ve been processing that term “dating” a lot lately.
Let’s get straight into why.
I spend many consecutive days seemingly non-stop texting one of my friends about all of our creative ideas, brainstorming! brainstorming! brainstorming! feeling a surge of excitement flowing through my fingers as we bounce off each others’ energy. We met up via Google meet on Friday nights for a month as she supported me with a special project and would talk hours into the A.M. until we were delusional. Sometimes we’d even continue to talk until passed the delusional phase. She was a big assist in helping me bring my most recent birthday vision to life. And the building of our friendship has inspired me to practice sinking deeper into my vulnerability and initiating difficult conversations with her about anything that’s bothering me.
Are we dating?
When I met a new friend at an open mic I often go to, I asked her if she wanted to hangout some time. I gave her two options: an aja monet poetry show or a seen library pop up event. She asked if both were possible because she loved the thought of both so much she couldn’t even choose. So we hung out twice within less than two weeks and had the most incredible time at each event. To say that the aja monet experience was life changing is an understatement and the seen library event gifted us with the remembrance of our love for good books, especially as writers, deepening our new bond so quickly. I felt like she instantly went from acquaintance to friend within just the first hang outs alone, so I invited her to my birthday. It’s been a little over a year since we met and we’re closer than I ever imagined we’d be. Last week, while searching for another book in my closet, I unexpectedly came across a book she wrote that moved me to tears. I sent her a voice message to let her know just how deeply her words impacted me in that moment. And so she cried too, in response.
Are we dating?
I grab dinner often with another friend. He insists on paying all the time. And I let him, most of the time. I asked him for a large favor once (large to me, probably small-medium to him) and then because he did me that favor, other people started asking me to ask him if he could do them that same favor, which I did not enjoy doing. It prompted him to then set some kind of boundary after I insisted that there was no pressure to say yes, and then me to overthink if I had been taking advantage of his kindness, which then led to a more serious conversation (something we don’t often have) around the topic of honesty and effective communication. It was a good conversation. It made me feel closer to him for having it. Yes, he assured me, he doesn’t mind paying for me. Yes, I still check in to make sure when the bill arrives after dinner. I took him out for his birthday last month and sat down to create a very intentional plan: a more intimate gesture to thank him for all that he does for me. It was probably one of my favorite nights of the year.
Are we dating?
An old flame re-entered my life a few months ago. We have a complex history: almost two decades of on and off hooking up, but also labeling each other as “best friends” at one point. Then, a nasty falling out in 2019 that left me re-evaluating our entire friendship. We didn’t speak for two years. When we finally made some kind of peace in 2022, after hanging out once, it just didn’t feel the same. We both thought it was going to remain this way, and we were pleasantly surprised when we were proven wrong. His recent appearance was accompanied by a refreshingly new energy—healed energy. It felt as though a lot of healing had taken place on both sides. I realized that as much as I had this desire to