Women Healing is a Q&A/podcast series where I ask the women in my life and on the Internet about their own healing journey, creative process, and how they’ve managed to get through some of their ‘hot mess’ moments.
The women I have reached out to and will reach out to for this series are women who I’ve gained much wisdom and inspiration from — whether on a personal level or just through the way I’ve seen them express themselves online. Each woman has played some kind of role in my own healing journey, and/or is a woman who has a vision of the world I deeply resonate with and feel strongly about needing to share.
If you find yourself in them, I hope you’ll support their work and give them a follow.
Tesz Millan is the creative force behind the YouTube series, “Filipina. American. Creative.” Growing up feeling disconnected from her family’s heritage, every personally curated episode is dedicated to rediscovering her roots. Years of adventure seeking also brought her opportunities to perform as a vocalist for Hong Kong Disneyland and earn lead roles in the musicals “Miss Saigon” and “Mamma Mia!” Tesz was also the recent guest host for the Filipina on the Rise podcast, where she interviewed me for my podcast debut, while she filled in as guest host for Krystl Fabella. Today, when she’s not creating her next YouTube episode, you can find her enjoying an oat cortado or planning her next international trip.
Listen to or read my conversation with Tesz starting below:
Val: So I think I want to start off by talking about your YouTube journey. I know you started just a little over a year ago, and I would love for you to get into just why that even happened and like why did you even start it? And I know you described this epiphany that you had in bed…
Tesz: Yeah! I didn’t think of starting the YouTube series as a form of healing. It turned into that. I was actually searching for a way to monetize creativity. I was like, I wanna make money with this, which is a whole conversation in and of itself. I knew I wanted to do something creative. And so I was like, I gotta do something that actually interests me, and something that I could potentially make an income from. And then that epiphany you talked about.. I literally was woken up in the middle of the night, just after Christmas, just before New Years of 2020, and I was like, I’m gonna start a YouTube Series! And I got so excited. I couldn’t sleep for like another hour or two.
Val: You started the YouTube series to basically monetize creativity. It became a healing journey accidentally. So do you feel like maybe as a part of like you wanting to monetize creativity, there was like a pain factor to that? Because I feel like [one of the big] reasons we start doing something is because maybe we’ve reached a threshold, right? That like we’re kind of sick of where we are and like we don’t want to be there anymore, and so we need something to change. What was happening? Were you like bored at your current job? What was it?
Tesz: So I had just put out a music album. Like an album of music, that for the first time felt like mine. I had been doing music for so long, but this was the first time I put out original music that I could stand behind, that wasn’t driven by some other person, like my mom or somebody else, you know? Like I really owned it. And then I was like wow, I put out this piece of work and I got so little back. You know, I guess I could’ve just kept plowing ahead in music, but I didn’t feel like that was the avenue…because I feel more complete doing the YouTube stuff than I ever did doing music. And I did music for so long. So that was the threshold. I was just like, I just need to do something that really feels the possibility is there. I think that’s the reason why I talk about it—I love that word, “epiphany,” because I didn’t expect it to have anything to do with our heritage. I was like super surprised. That’s actually the part that really surprised me: a) that it was YouTube, because I am just not a YouTuber, like I never watch YouTube—and then [b] there was the Filipina heritage thing. It was so surprising. And so exciting. That was the thing that excited me the most.
Val: So do you feel like it literally came out of nowhere? It was like you woke up one day and it was like THIS IS THE IDEA, AND DO IT. Or do you feel like maybe there’s something that happened in your life that led to that specific moment?
Tesz: Yes and yes. So I had always felt that disconnect. I always felt like, Oh I really want to become closer to our heritage. I want to stop feeling so un-Filipina. And I think what probably clicked for me was like oh this is the way I can do it. And be consistent. And have it be just not about me searching for my own thing. That seems.. not enough. But I feel like I needed to share that journey, and then that’s where the YouTube thing kinda came in. So it just all kind of came together. I was like oh this thing I’ve been feeling since I was a little girl. This question of like, how can I heal this part of myself?
“I really want to become closer to our heritage. I want to stop feeling so un-Filipina. And I think what probably clicked for me was like, oh this is the way I can do it. And be consistent. And have it be just not about me searching for my own thing.”
Val: Before you started the journey, I know you had a lot of resistance to just even doing it. And I often say I believe that’s when we really need to do something: when we feel the most resistant. So can you tell me a little bit more about exactly how that felt for you and how you moved through it? And you know, what made you do it despite all the critical, negative thoughts that were coming at you? Like what kept you going?
Tesz: I’ll start by saying that it took me a year. So I started this series January of 2022, but I got the idea December of 2020. So it took me all of 2021 to finally get to the point of actually doing it. That’s part of that phase of like, oh should I do it? And then I start to hymn and haw. I thought it was going to happen a lot quicker. Two weeks later, I had all the equipment. I like bought everything that I needed to get. I like wanted to invest right away to also kind of push me to do it, because I was like, Well I have all of the stuff… I’m not just gonna let it sit there. But there was still a lot of that self-talk. The biggest thing was like, Is it going to be a waste of my time? I don’t know where that comes from. I’m like… I still wonder, why it’s that question. Even like hard conversations, Oh is it going to be worth going to that uncomfortable place with that person? Am I gonna get the result that I want? So there was a lot of that going on.
I sometimes, I really feel like this whole journey—in particular with the YouTube series—is sort of divinely led. Because I got to do Disney in Hong Kong, and I had to quarantine for three freaking weeks, in a hotel room, by myself. So at the end of 2021 I still hadn’t—because my whole thing was, oh I gotta—like there was certain milestones that I wanted to hit.. so buy the equipment. And then I wanted to go through this girl—she’s on YouTube—she’s amazing. She like taught me how to film, you know, how to edit, all that stuff. And I was like, I’m gonna watch all of her episodes before I start. And I actually did that. The reason why I talk about that divinely led is because I’m like, Random… like why would I be quarantined for three weeks in Hong Kong of all places? But to like sit there and actually finally finish watching all of those episodes of her talking about all the YouTube stuff. So I mean, whether it’s coincidence or not, I just kinda find that kind of… cute.
Val: I love that. I love how you described it as like being divinely guided, you know? You could just think, I’m in Hong Kong and life sucks and I’m miserable. But I feel like the epiphany had to be so powerful. And in those moments when your life wasn’t so great, you thought, What could get me by right now? And it’s like, Learning how to build this YouTube series.
Val: Ok, I just have three last questions. The next one is—I believe that I started this newsletter—and I don’t think I was conscious about it in the moment. In hindsight, I realize, I write a lot about like my low points. Before like, I thought I had to write about things when I had them figured out. Like there was no point in me sharing unless I gave people hope. But as I like read through some of my archived stuff, I realized, Oh even though I was very depressed when I was writing this.. even though I was very lost.. there is some shed of hope in every single piece that I feel like I’ve shared. It made me realized, I’m a hot mess. But like, that’s okay. Most of the people that I admire on Instagram, or in life, or like on T.V., characters, right? Like, they’re such hot messes. And they’re so beautiful. Overtime, I’ve learned to love parts of myself that I have probably repressed most of my life, and I’m just curious to know like, how do you see yourself when you’re not 100%? Or when you’re not acting as your “highest self”? If you’re not like in go-go-go mode, when you feel the most alive? How do you see that part of yourself? And like how do you navigate through it?
Tesz: Oh god, I was hoping you’d skip over this question. And I’m like, of course she’s gonna ask it at the very end. Again like, deer in headlights, How do I answer this? When have I been a hot mess? Not that I’m like, Oh I’ve never been a hot mess. But it’s like I erase it from my memory. I’ve had this in therapy, where the therapist will say something truly profound, and it’s actually like the queue to me like resolving all the stuff that I’ve been talking about for the last 30 minutes in my session with my therapist. And I completely can’t even hear her..
Yeah that was my way of distracting myself from answering the question.
Val: I’m not letting you off the hook.
Tesz: No, don’t! No, no, no. This is why I love you because, why? You know, this is the reason why we’re doing this: is to walk through that together. But, for example, I know that there have been moments when I don’t feel my greatest. There was a meditation series that I did called Vipassana, and in that, they talked about how you may be feeling discomfort, you may be feeling happiness, you may be feeling all these things, but it’s always going to change. Allow that tickle on your nose—don’t touch it. Just observe it and see what happens, and you’ll see that it’ll turn from a tickle, to a burn. And then from burning, to a cool. And then from cool, it’ll all of a sudden start to dissipate and disappear. Like that was just what I experienced. I didn’t scratch my nose when I felt it, and I went through that whole process and I was like, They’re right!
And the same thing happens with your emotions. And that’s what I hold onto. That’s my life raft, when I’m feeling really really, ick, and I feel like a hot mess. It’s just realizing that, this too shall pass. Onwards and upwards because no matter what, even if we’ve hit our low point, even if it gets worse, it’s still changing. And that’s how I’m more gentle with myself. That’s how I don’t kick into analyzing, because I do that too. I did that for, actually, before I started therapy the first time that’s what I did. I was like, I’m gonna heal all this gross hurt by analyzing and figuring out where it comes from. And then I did, and I was like, I still feel like shit. Now I need therapy.
“It’s just realizing that, this too shall pass. Onwards and upwards because no matter what, even if we’ve hit our low point, even if it gets worse, it’s still changing. And that’s how I’m more gentle with myself.”
Val: Wait you did all that before therapy?
Tesz: Yeah, I remember the time I was doing “Mamma Mia!” in Germany and I was sitting there between numbers grumpy as ever—like that’s how people know me, when they consistently are hanging out with me, they’re like, Wow, you’re so grumpy. And I’m like Yes, because I’m tryna figure it out! And so I remember, I was sitting there, and I figured out where it all comes from: from my mom, from my dad, all this other stuff. And then I like analyzed the heck out of it, and I’m like, Ok I’ve come to the same conclusion. I can’t do this. I think that that’s also the reason why I have a hard time truly answering this question about the ‘hot mess’ moments, because I’m still working on opening this… my heart.
Val: Yeah.
Tesz: Yeah, it’s not easy.
Val: It’s not.
Val: What does healing mean to you?
Tesz: Couple of words came up. The first word was “acceptance.” Like, accepting myself. When I’m thinking about healing, I’m like ok, I’m accepting all the darkness. All the mess. All the pain. All the hurt. I’m just accepting it. Not to say that’s what defines me. That that’s who I am. It’s just accepting that that’s just a part of who I am. Because it’s so easy to accept all the shiny, happy parts. And so also having that same level of acceptance. I feel like that’s a part of my personal healing.
And the other word that came up is the same word that I used when I was talking about what could go wrong in the Philippines, is “embracing.” It’s a part of acceptance, but embracing that this is where I’m at right now. Allowing myself to go through it. To get to the other side. And to feel better. Like ultimately I really feel like healing is really about feeling better, so we can do other things. You know, because when we’re just in pain all the time, it’s the easiest form of distraction. I feel like that’s also why some people—part of their journey is to just be in it, and only be in it. And not being able to get out of it, and get past it. Because that’s what feels the most, safe and comfortable.
Val: Yeah, right.
Tesz: But there’s so much that’s to be had by accepting and embracing that part of yourself. Also allowing the newness of: everything is okay, now. Ok, what else is new? And then also realizing that you’re gonna be hurt again.
Val: It’s like, what?!
Tesz: It’s not over.
Val: It’s not over. That is what fucks me over, and over, and over again. Because I always think whenever I’ve made it out of my shit, that it’s done. And it’s like, Oh you’re so funny. Like, You’re not done. It’s like this constant remembering.
Val: Okay, so that was my last official question for you. But, did you do the prompt by any chance?
(The prompt was to write a letter to your 8-year-old self from the perspective of your 80-year-old self.)
Tesz: I did. Ok so what’s interesting about that prompt is that one of the videos that I did at the beginning of the year was a letter to my 10-year-old self. It was a great exercise. But I wanted to actually redo the exercise because that letter was to myself—my younger self—from me now.
Val: From you now, yeah. Not your 80-year-old self.
Tesz: Exactly, and that’s why I was like, Oh what would I tell myself? And initially, I was like typing it up. I actually did it last minute, like five minutes before we got on this call. And I started to do all this, DON’T FEEL THIS WAY! EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE FINE! DON’T DO THIS! DON’T! And I was like, What am I telling my 8-year-old self? To not do all this stuff that she wouldn’t even understand?
And I just stopped and I was like you know what—the 3-5 sentences—and I love that you gave me that framework. I was like, I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Yeah, I’m crying right now.. because that’s what I needed. You know, that’s all I needed. Was somebody to just be like, “You know what, no matter what, I love you. Keep going. I love you. Man that sucked, I love you.”
“That’s all I needed. Was somebody to just be like, ‘You know what, no matter what, I love you. Keep going. I love you. Man that sucked, I love you.’”
Val: Ugh.
Tesz: That’s it. I was like Ah, that’s so much. It doesn’t have to be more than that.
Val: I love you.
Tesz: I love you, too.
On overcoming resistance and starting a YouTube series — a conversation with @teszmillan