stop downplaying your growth
dear inner critic, kindly stfu
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I tricked myself a few weeks ago into thinking I’ve made no progress in my life. It happened while I was on FaceTime with my friend Jessie, casually walking up and down in a familiar parking lot filled with memories. Funny enough, I hadn't even intended to go there; it was only after I found myself immersed in it that I realized that this was the very spot where I had my first date with my most recent ex, nearly a decade ago. Reflecting on that memory, I couldn't help but feel a surge of panic about how swiftly time had gone by.
There’s a scene in the TV series, Beef, where the character George talks about the concept of time:
“Time speeds up as you get older, because when you’re a year old, that year is a hundred percent of your perception of time, but as you get older, that year is a smaller fraction of the time you’ve experienced.”
Being in that parking lot for me caused me to do a flashback of the last 10 years of my life in less than five seconds.
Then, out of nowhere, this eerie question crept in:
Have I changed at all since then?
Before I knew it, that question snowballed into a whirlwind of doubt with more questions: Have I accomplished anything? Why do I still grapple with the same issues? Does any of this even matter?
Isn’t the mind wild?
March was such a horrible month for me. I developed a stye on my right eye which became so painful that I had to go to urgent care. It lasted a month and a half! Meanwhile, my chronic jaw pain became unbearable, and when I began to feel constant pain in my gums, I recognized it was time to schedule a dentist appointment. I also started getting symptoms of carpal tunnel and ended up having to file a workers comp claim after waking up with my right hand hurting so bad that I needed to wrap it in a heating pad. I was having panic attacks every other day from freaking out about my health and spending a majority of time in my car just in order to be alone.
Two weeks after that FaceTime conversation with Jessie, we find ourselves on a call again, only this time we’re connecting about the divine. She shares with me story after story about — from as far as I can tell — the ways in which God has been showing up in her life. And I get goosebumps from witnessing the way she lights up from it all. I share with her how I was able to get into a good flow with writing in the past two weeks and how through my research of past journal entries, I discovered how much I actually have grown in the last decade. We laughed about how silly I felt for tricking myself into believing that nothing had changed.
This experience made me recall a poem I wrote about a year ago:
I laugh at how often I forget about the depression. I ask myself what is wrong with me over and over again. And then I remember. And although none of it is funny, I laugh. I laugh, because I must. I laugh, as a way to cope. I laugh, as a way to transform. It is the laughter that gets me from one state to the next. I laugh at how heavy it can all get, in a moment. But I must remember that depression, much like everything else,
It is fleeting
It is fleeting
It is fleeting
I have often found myself having to re-remember that our thoughts are just thoughts that simply come and go. They aren’t facts. And it’s important to investigate the programmed stories that would lead us to believe otherwise, the ones that lead us into a deep dark hole. We have many voices talking to us, and some of them — if we listen carefully — have the power to lead us back towards our wholeness, towards something even bigger than ourselves. I’ve been creating more space for those ones to be heard and kindly telling the voices who bring me down to please shut the fuck up.
My stye weirdly started coming back today (possibly because it’s been a crazy past few days emotionally and I will certainly write about why after a bit more processing), but for the most part, it has healed. I procrastinated with going to the dentist for over five years, mainly due to financial reasons and also because who likes going to the dentist? But I finally got a deep cleaning done. My jaw and gum pain have subsided significantly. And I've been able to gradually recover from my hand injury over the past month, as I've been off work and fortunate to receive financial support through workers' comp. This opportunity for downtime has drastically improved my mental health and given me the space to find more clarity in all areas of my life.
My writing has been consistent. I’ve been a lot less reactive. My friendships have been blooming. I’ve been patient with my parents. And I’m currently in the midst of what truly feels like a metamorphosis.
COMING UP
I’ll be introducing a new series soon called Money Makeover. I received a lot of positive responses from me sharing my debt free journey on IG, so I decided to find a way I could better structure my stories and insights through Substack. Stay tuned.
LINKS
Recently Listened
Esther Calling - My Exes Exes Keep Ruining My Relationships
I experienced so many unexpected shifts in my body from listening to this entire therapy session. I cried many, many times, and it was absolutely healing.
In the opening segment of the podcast episode, a caller shares the complexities of a relationship marked by genuine love but hindered by unresolved issues with their partner's close friendship with an ex-girlfriend. She seeks advice on balancing individual needs in relationships without sacrificing personal integrity and overcoming fears to foster deeper connections in future relationships.
Recently Read
The Friendship Problem by Rosie Spinks
I’ve sent this to almost every close friend in my life and it has sparked some incredible conversations. I’ve been thinking about it so much that I’ve begun brainstorming another series for this newsletter around this topic, as well as a workshop, because I think it’s absolutely important to keep this alive.
A Collectively Owed Debt and Pain We’re Built to Bear by Anam Raheem
200+ days of this genocide. I couldn’t bear to consume any of it for months. Thank you to the wonderful soul that is Anam Raheem, whose poignant prose consistently and effortlessly keeps Gaza close to my heart. This is indeed grief we are built to bear.
Recently Watched
I’ve always had a thing for corny ass rom-coms. I know most of them are poorly written and just plain bad, but I also believe there’s such a thing as good bad. This particular movie provided me with a much-needed escape from my perpetual state of hyper-awareness. I find myself often consuming art and information that activates a lot of critical thinking, which I love, but occasionally, I crave the blissful simplicity of laughter without the weight of profundity.
Amanda Seales Interview on Club Shay Shay
This went viral, so I wouldn’t be surprised if most of you have already seen snippets of it, but if you haven’t watched the whole thing, I highly recommend. Especially if you are a recovering people pleaser. In contrast to the share above, this comes with A LOT of pause-worthy-play-that-back moments that will certainly make you think. I’ve always respected Amanda Seales. This interview made me love her.
Sharing some memorable quotes below:
“People like me are a blessing because you don’t ever have to guess.”
“Curiosity is indicative of love.”
“I’m obsessed with words…I know that there’s some people who live by the word. If you are someone by religion you live by the word, whether it’s the word of Allah or the word of the bible. You know if you’re somebody who’s a lawyer you understand that this constitution and the words that are not in it are what continue to keep us oppress. Words matter.”
3 hours of entertaining conversation. Take breaks as needed and bring a journal for notes because you are gonna want to remember all the nuggets she drops.
"i laugh because i must" ugh yes. thank you for your care, always <3 i can't wait to look into these resources!!